Comments on: Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful

By: staceyschultz

staceyschultz — Mon, 07 May 2007 03:02:43 +0000

good point. it’s hard to win this one. part-time work seems ideal to me, but it’s tough to find.

By: kristincostello

kristincostello — Mon, 07 May 2007 02:50:05 +0000

i think this is a great conversation to be having. i’d like to hear more from both camps – moms who work hard all day at their first job and come home to their families for a second shift, and moms who spend those lllooonnnggg days at home with their kids, wiping butts and longing for adult conversation. from where i sit, it’s damn hard, either way.

i’m always interested in the underside of things, so when i think about the “mommy wars” from that perspective, i see the debate stemming from our deep down fears. maybe at-work moms are afraid they’re not giving something vital to their kids and at-home moms are afraid they’re giving it all away and it’s still not enough.

and then these fears get manipulated by the media and turned into guilt, defensiveness, competition, judgement, etc. but deep down, maybe we’re all just freaked out we’re not doing it right somehow. no matter how hard we try, whatever we do or don’t do, it might just not be enough. the stakes are so high and it’s such a hard, relentless job that it’s impossible to do it just right.

By: staceyschultz

staceyschultz — Sun, 06 May 2007 03:06:42 +0000

Yeah, that kind of banter really sucks. As much as I don’t want to be judged for staying home with my kids (see “I get no respect”) I equally can’t stand people who try to make others feel bad for not doing the “perfect mommy” thing. I agree, it is probably coming from some place of insecurity. But it seems like you’re feeling insecure too. You’re reading judgements into statements that on the surface aren’t about you at all. Seems like no matter what we choose, we don’t feel 100 percent okay with it. Is this because we’ve all read too many magazine articles telling us that whatever we’re doing it isn’t right? Or because there is something inherently wrong in whatever we do?

By: jensey

jensey — Sun, 06 May 2007 00:53:46 +0000

i disagree. i feel judged all the time by moms who choose to stay home with their kids. i don’t think they really judge me. i think they feign judgement to feel better about their own choice which they’re not that sure about because of their pre-child, collegiate feminism. i feel it when they say, ‘i breastfed little x until he was 3. he just wouldn’t take a bottle!’ or when they say, ‘my x has NEVER had sugar. i make everything he eats.’ or ‘i’ve never spent a night away from them. i just couldn’t!’ (all of these things have, in fact, been said to me.) I try not to respond en kind but i’m sure i’ve said some nasty things in response. or, in a passive aggressive manner, floated some comment out there about how independent my kids are because i’m not always hovering over them. i don’t really believe that. i think they’ll come out fine either way – with a mom who works, or a mom who stays home. well…they’ll come out with neuroses, like all of us, regardless. but i’m all for women doing what they need to do, what feels right for them. i just wish we could all feel comfortable and confident in that choice not to have to ‘one up’ those we call friends. (i’m including myself in that)

By: staceyschultz

staceyschultz — Sat, 05 May 2007 02:49:21 +0000

I just read an article about the people who started MomsRising and it turns out they are the same people who started MoveOn.org. Funny you should mention it. It is very cool what they are doing. Actually in Washington the legislature is working on a law that would provide paid-family leave. We’ll write more about that if it makes it to the governor and she signs it.

By: kristincostello

kristincostello — Sat, 05 May 2007 02:13:08 +0000

Along those lines, I am excited about MomsRising (http://www.momsrising.org), a MoveOn-esque grassroots effort to create family-friendly legislation for maternity/paternity leave, open and flexible work, structures, universal healthcare for all children, stuff like that. Wouldn't it be amazing if this project made a difference?

By: staceyschultz

staceyschultz — Fri, 04 May 2007 18:56:05 +0000

But there are common factors that we all have to deal with, such as the long work hours, etc. We should focus on those rather than whatever the person next door is doing.

By: chrisfont9

chrisfont9 — Fri, 04 May 2007 17:34:25 +0000

Put another way: how many moms can afford to factor in what “53 percent of American women” are doing when making major life decisions? Who-T-F cares? Statistics about things that are intensely personal and unique aren’t especially instructive.

By: chrisfont9

chrisfont9 — Fri, 04 May 2007 17:32:27 +0000

Kinda figures. I’m getting to know a lot of moms in different situations (i.e. both camps) and they don’t seem to be at war with each other. Nor is there any Earthly reason for them to be. But the media never miss an opportunity to play on people’s anxiety, do they?

[Well, some media. Not this medium.]